Time and love

Hi.

A few years back, I was so far from myself today. I was a hard-headed girl, a very egoistic girlfriend, the joyful spoiled brat in my family, a care-for-less and straight-forward friend and the list keeps going on. In simpler words, I was very much immature. And then bad things I never expected and thought would have come into my life came like a heavy downpour of rain. My mother got sick. My father died. My boyfriend who I thought was the love of my life (obviously not) dumped me. I got stuck at doing jobs that I was not passionate about just because I needed the money. My life literally turned upside down. From a very cheerful girl who had a very strong connection to the people around, I turned into a quiet woman who lived in her own world with no one else matters in it.

And time passed by. Slowly but surely.

A few months back, I was still far from myself today. I thought I broke the wall. I thought I survived the tsunami of terrible things happened in my life. I thought I was the butterfly that got freed out beautifully from its pupa. I thought I was strong enough that nothing could ever get to me anymore. But I was wrong. Something hard something bad something unexpected (but somehow it is expected) came to me and punched me in the face. Not enough, it kicked me right in the stomach. I insensibly fell down right away. I fell to the lowest ground the world could possibly have. By the time I realised, I was already in a deep black well. I tried to reach out for help, but no one heard. I got tired then. I let myself sank in the cold water. My mind told me to drown but my soul wanted the other way around.

And time continued to pass by. No one even realised, but indeed it did.

A few days back, I was not far from myself today, at all. I thought there's only one world where lives live and only that. I thought the world is so full of love, kindness and purity. How innocent. When I thought love is the one above all, I realised that not all people are blessed with love planted in their hearts. But I will always stand for it. I will keep on holding onto it as it's a true blessing from God. We human are a seeker. We seek. Sometimes we find what are seeking for and sometimes not. What we are to find is what we really need to find, and it's not a want. It's what makes us alive.

I am still not on par of what I want to be all along. But I think I'm getting there. I hope. I hope one day I could tell my children that love is infinite, love is true and love is powerful. Be it to human, to animals, to things, to God and His Messengers or even to our inner self. Love is what makes us strong, the one thing that makes us sane. And with love, comes all other things we need to keep us alive; empathy, kindness, bravery, intelligence, optimism... anything.

Love,

S